First I'm going to talk about my favorite way to eat spaghetti. After I'm going to get a little personal so if you are only interested in the food I'm okay with that. I just need to get a few things off my chest.
My favorite way to eat spaghetti is with a jar of mushroom spaghetti sauce, no meat, and plenty of mozzarella cheese. Some might say that sounds boring but I say it's perfect. This really isn't a recipe. Cook up a box of spaghetti according to the package directions. Drain the spaghetti and put back in the pan and place back on the stove. Pour the spaghetti sauce over the spaghetti, mix it up, and heat through. Dump about two cups of mozzarella on top and mix well until nice and melty. I try not to eat the whole pot standing at the stove but it is hard. I love this dish that much. So easy and so good. I dare you to try it.
1 box spaghetti, cooked according to the box
1 jar mushroom spaghetti sauce
2 cups mozzarella cheese
Cook spaghetti according to the box. Drain and put back on stove. Add spaghetti sauce and heat through. Dump in the mozzarella cheese and heat until nice a melty. Serve in bowls and enjoy.
Now on to the personal stuff.
Today is the the one year anniversary of my mom passing away. It's hard to believe she has been gone a year. That last year at this time I had already been to the funeral home to plan her funeral, cleaned out her nursing home room, and my cousin Kim and I were at Applebee's having half off appetizers and a much needed drink. It had been a long few days. My mom went in the hospital on December 30th, 2009. By the time I made it to the hospital she was already on life support. The last time I had really spoken to her was Christmas Day. My aunt Judy and I had spent the whole day with her. She had did a recent stint in the hospital and she was really not herself. She was agitated and unhappy. I do have guilt for not really talking with her the days in between. I needed a break from running back and forth and she really wasn't much for talking on the phone anymore. I knew I was going to spend New Years Eve with her and our cousins were up from Kentucky and she was in good company. I really hope that my last words to her were that I loved her but I just can't remember.
The doctor's could tell she had suffered brain damage but didn't know the extent. But by the way her body was jerking we knew it was not a good sign. She was put in a intensive care room and she had fantastic nurses and doctors. At first we wanted answers and tests done but we soon realized it could be traumatic for her to get cat scans done and everything else. In our hearts we knew she was gone. So on New Years day around 5pm the doctor's took her off life support. We prayed she would go quickly but my mom liked to do things in her own time and in her own way. She was in God's hands. On January 3rd we had her moved to a wonderful Hospice center where she went peacefully after midnight on the 4th.
I thank God for my husband, family, and friends that were there to support me. No way would I have gotten through without them. I have to say that the whole experience was surreal. Your loved one passes then you have to plan the funeral. Then you have to get through the funeral and after you have to tie up the loose ends. You have to cancel the medical insurance, close out bank accounts, and tie up any other affairs that your loved one had. That takes awhile and it keeps your mind occupied. But then that stuff is done and you are left with your thoughts. Then you go numb. You try not to let the pieces of mail with her name on it get to you. Or having to tell people who didn't know. Hearing the sympathy in their voices. Time moves on and you feel like you think you are going to make it and each month the day rolls around and it all comes back to you. The loss and the loneliness.
I think for this past year I have been in denial. I know she is gone but I really have not accepted it. I know she is in a better place and out of pain but it's hard sometimes to take comfort in that when your pain is so great. I miss her with every beat of my heart. She was my mom, dad, and best friend all rolled into one for my whole life. I lost my dad when I was six and it was just us for many years. Until I met my husband and she accepted him as her son. My mom was a great woman. Beautiful, sweet, and cared more about others than herself. She really should have taken better care of herself but I do believe everything happens for a reason. It was time for her to leave this earth. I wasn't ready but she was and I guess that's all that matters.
I'm slowly working my way towards acceptance. I was in denial, suffered pain and guilt, was angry, and am now in the depression stage. I am realizing the full magnitude of my loss and it's okay to grieve. I'm trying not to get too down on myself for feeling the way I do. Trying not to beat myself up for gaining weight and being emotionally crazy. I do want to start taking better care of myself. I see my future if I stay on this path that I'm on. I'm overweight, diabetic, and have high blood pressure. I need to take control or I will end up dead at the age of 59. I want to live longer.
I'm hoping this blog will help me take control and be a creative outlet. I have wanted to start a food blog for a long time and just never got around to it. I decided that enough was enough. I got a laptop and couldn't accept anymore of my excuses for why I couldn't start one. Starting next week I will hopefully be posting more healthy recipes. I'm getting back on the Weight Watcher wagon and I have weight loss in my sights. I'll be posting my progress on here. I'm hoping it will keep me accountable. I feel much better by getting this off my chest.